she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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