Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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