There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize