Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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