i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
