She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
