Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just gargled with NyQuil
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize