my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
