Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
