I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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