I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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