The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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