my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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