Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Omg I joined a choir last night...
tell me about the fingering
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize