The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
