you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
