Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize