this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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