mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You are the jesus of drinking
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
