When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
