My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
