how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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