I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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