I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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