Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
