we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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