I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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