Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
