i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
