i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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