they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize