I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
