How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
