well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
