I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
