After last night, I could never be a politician.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
