Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
