She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
