I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
