Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
