Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
