i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
