Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
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