how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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