i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize