i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
