There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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