Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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