i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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