Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
