I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
