doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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