uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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