I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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