Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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