You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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