Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
