I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize