you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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