I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
