actually, I'm a sock model
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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