god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
